So here's my story

I have eluded to "my story" a few times, but have never said it out loud, or in this case written it in words. I think my time has come to talk about it. First, though I must say that Hubby isn't a public person to talk about this, only to people we know well know the story.

It all started oh about five years ago. When we got married, Hubby wanted to wait two years before having kids. I was ok with this as he already had "A" and it was not by choice, so I wanted to be sure that he wanted kids again. I will admit that I had already had the yearning or desire for kids for about three years. We would go to our favorite beach and I would watch all the kids and I would have this empty feeling like I was missing out on something. So five years ago our two year waiting time was up and I reminded him of our deal. So it was then that we started to try for kids.

Six or seven months later at a routine Dr's appointment I told him that we were trying and having no success. I had read most of the books, I had stopped smoking, drinking, partying, etc. Doing everything possible to get pregnant. We were even going with the every second day theory, but still nothing. So he offered some routine tests as a place to start from. I found that I had one blocked fallopian tube that could be unblocked if I wanted but it wasn't something that was stopping a pregnancy, just making it more difficult to achieve. Hubby, however, found that his little swimmers we not quite up to par.

So off we went to visit a specialist at the Fertility Centre. I should mention that it took another six or seven months to get in there to see the specialist, but we were lucky as the wait was actually a year. We ran a battery of tests to confirm everything and sure enough, Hubby's swimmers were many and speedy, but not quite in the best shape (morphology) of their lives which meant that the final part of conception was missing. It was recommended that we go for invitro with icsi, which is a specialized procedure for just this type of situation. We could have tried other methods, but we only had one kick at the can so we decided to go for broke and sign up for the big one. I even put us on a cancellation list so we could try to get in earlier.

On Thanksgiving weekend 2002, we got the call. We were officially going through with ivf. There were a few scares, but for the most part we had a healthy and uneventful pregnancy and "J" arrived in August, at home, a healthy 8lb 5oz baby. I would cry when I would hold him, not really believing that he was here and that I was his Mom.

Fast forward a year. We decided we wanted to have more kids. We still had six "frosties" or frozen embryos, so we decided to sign up for a transfer. But, again with the clinic, we had to wait. September turned into February and we had our transfer two weeks before our move into our new home (which we hoped to fill). Unfortunately it was not to be, our beta came back negative and I was devistated.

May rolls around and my father in law is here for a visit. We have a great time, spring is here, not too hot, but I am feeling fat and can't lose weight. The day he leaves to go home, I am starting to have some bleeding, which is weird, because I had just finished a cycle. A few days go by and for whatever reason, I take a pregnancy test. It was positive! But, I was miscarrying. I would have been about 10 weeks along and had gotten pregnant the cycle after our failed frozen transfer. I was sad and devistated and figured it was hours spent in my neighbours hot tub that did it. But, who is to know really, so I tried not to dwell on it. The summer goes by, I try to forget, but it is hard.

Along rolls September, and lo and behold I am pregnant again! So apparently we are not so infertile anymore. Six weeks later to the day, I lose the second pregnancy of the year, my third loss. This time I call on our fertiliy specialist. He takes lots of tests and tells me to come back and see him in January. So here we are a week away from my appointment and I am wondering if there is anything that we can do to hold onto a pregnancy. Am I destined to be a new Mom again? Will "J" have anymore siblings to play with? So many questions...

...and as I do every month since that first miscarriage, I took a test and you know what... there were two lines again. So here we go again. Will there be anything to do to hold onto this one or will we go through our first loss of '06.

Stay tuned as we will not be telling anyone about this pregnancy as the pain is too much. The best support I have is right here and I hope that you guys won't mind holding my hand, just a little bit.