Tuesday, March 07, 2006

In a Funk

Truth is out. I am officially in a funk. I don't want to do a self-diagnosis as I am not a shrink by any means. But, the truth is I am getting a bit depressed. It is to be expected, I was preparing for it, but I did not think that my beautiful little neice was going to arrive for another month, so I thought I would have this last bit of time to prepare. The fact of the matter is, since I saw her on Sunday, I cannot stop the tears from rising to the surface. Please don't get me wrong. I am so happy for my Sister and my little neice, but it is just as hard as I thought it was going to be and more.

I try not to dwell on the fact that I was pregnant before my sister, that I was pregnant with my sister, twice, and here I am still without. I do love "J" more than anything, I would not trade him for the world, I am happy with what I have, but I want more. Why do we always want more? If I knew there would never ever be more, then I think it would be easier to make that final wave goodbye and get over it. But, since I still feel that there is a chance for more, it makes this all so difficult.

The thing that puts me in the funk the most is the proverbial question, why me? Is it because I am so much stronger than my sisters that I have been chosen to hold the torch of infertility and loss? Did I do something so wrong in my youth that I am continuously being punished for it? I just want to yell really loud, WHY ME!!!!!??????? And add a few expletives for good measure.

I don't expect to find the answers out there in the blogsphere, but nobody here wants to hear about it, so well, you're it. Thanks for listening.


Blogger chichimama said...

Oh, I wish there was something I could do besides give you virtual hugs and support. It must be so hard.

Try to do something really nice just for yourself.

12:40 PM  
Blogger twinmomplusone said...

I wish I had some perfectly worded wise thoughts for you but I don't.

You are right to be angry and frustrated and pissed off at being dealt this route to follow in your life. Defifnitely not fair, I can so appreciate that, you know.

You have to deal with these issues, sort them out in your mind, share them with whoever you can, cause life will go on and so will you. You WILL survive. It may take some time, but you will. Please give yourself a hug for being a great mom and a wonderful human being with so much to offer. You will find a way to go through this, you have to. You can wallow in your despair, you are entitled to it. But then at one point, you'll get up and keep going.

I don't know if I'm making any sense but you know I'm on your side my friend

hugs and love

3:49 PM  
Blogger nancy said...

HOW can I top that?? What she said. But I'll give you my own hugs, won't steal hers (cause mine are different, not better, just more)


11:51 PM  
Blogger Silver Creek Mom said...

WHY US? That's a question I loved answered. I have no clue. And it is not fair. BUT Out of all this heartach in my life just like in yours some good has comeout of it. I met YOU! And your very dear to me.


8:21 AM  
Blogger DaniGirl said...

I know you said you're feeling better in a later post, but I think you still deserve another hug for this one.

I'm so sorry, Anna. It sucks.

12:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enjoyed a lot! » »

12:42 AM  

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