In a Funk

Truth is out. I am officially in a funk. I don't want to do a self-diagnosis as I am not a shrink by any means. But, the truth is I am getting a bit depressed. It is to be expected, I was preparing for it, but I did not think that my beautiful little neice was going to arrive for another month, so I thought I would have this last bit of time to prepare. The fact of the matter is, since I saw her on Sunday, I cannot stop the tears from rising to the surface. Please don't get me wrong. I am so happy for my Sister and my little neice, but it is just as hard as I thought it was going to be and more.

I try not to dwell on the fact that I was pregnant before my sister, that I was pregnant with my sister, twice, and here I am still without. I do love "J" more than anything, I would not trade him for the world, I am happy with what I have, but I want more. Why do we always want more? If I knew there would never ever be more, then I think it would be easier to make that final wave goodbye and get over it. But, since I still feel that there is a chance for more, it makes this all so difficult.

The thing that puts me in the funk the most is the proverbial question, why me? Is it because I am so much stronger than my sisters that I have been chosen to hold the torch of infertility and loss? Did I do something so wrong in my youth that I am continuously being punished for it? I just want to yell really loud, WHY ME!!!!!??????? And add a few expletives for good measure.

I don't expect to find the answers out there in the blogsphere, but nobody here wants to hear about it, so well, you're it. Thanks for listening.