Tomorrow

Is ultrasound day (18 week). I keep forgetting. My Mom and Sisters are far more excited than I am. This isn't normal. I mean, now that I have been thinking about it I am excited, but because I keep forgetting, I feel like it isn't normal.

I think I am not too excited because I have had so many losses in the last two years, I am afraid to be hopeful. That, I think, is normal. I do remember being calm about the whole thing with J too. It wasn't until after 24 weeks that I really started to get excited.

Tomorrow we should find out what flavour of bean we have roasting. Unless the bean doesn't want to cooperate. J wasn't super cooperative. Although I knew before the tech told me that he was a boy. I saw his goods before she did and he was playing with himself, that kind of gave it away, but I remained hopeful for a girl until she confirmed it for me.

I am not ashamed to admit that I was devistated at first that I was not having a girl. At the time my thoughts were, if I only get one chance at being a Mom, shouldn't I get a girl. I live with boys, my dogs are boys and at the time I had six birds who were also boys. But, within a day or two I was completely and utterly fine with a boy. And now, well, I wouldn't have it any other way. J is the sunshine of my life, the boy that keeps me going, the one that challenges me every single day with something new. And really, I always hung out with boys more than girls, it was only fitting.

This time around, it really, truly doesn't matter one single bit. I just want to know so I can plan. If we have another boy, well less shopping for me and so easy to set things up. I just move things from J's closet to the baby's closet (after A moves to his new room of course... and after we build it this summer). But, if it is a girl! Watch out. I will definately, 100% need to go shopping. If a girl makes it into this house, she must have a girly room, must, must, must. Our house is filled with everything boy, it would be a shame not to take advantage of setting up a room in all things girly. Those are my thoughts. But, I will say that I will not, absolutely will not be disappointed either way, I just want a happy healthy baby, who maybe, just maybe sleeps in until 6am. You know, if I can ask for something to be added into the mix.

Hopefully, I will have a report tomorrow! If the bean cooperates that is.