Thursday, July 06, 2006

Closing a Chapter

Anytime I have and appointment at the fertility clinic I spend the whole day crying on and off. Yesterday was no different. Except for the fact that I was also saying good-bye.

I had my follow up appointment for my last failed treatment three months ago. And since I haven't won the lottery, nor have I inherited a large sum of money, it was probably my last visit. The new facilities are gorgeous, as I sat in the waiting room, I thought, "How unfair is this?" I had to sit in that horrible waiting room and now that I may finally never go back, it is so inviting I want to be there.

Basically, there is no rhyme or reason for any of my pregnancies or miscarriages last year. The reason my drug treatments didn't work is most likely the reason we couldn't get pregnant the first time. My RE (who apparently is really nice now) agreed with me that perhaps the drugs I took a year and a half ago for our frozen transfer fried my eggs so that the sperm were able to make the connection. But, because things weren't right my pregnancies were most likely chemical and therefore resulted in miscarriage. After my last miscarriage my body started shifting towards it's old self, last year things were slightly different so I always knew that something strange was going on.

So here we sit with no plan, no more frosties (although they are checking to make sure they are indeed gone) and not enough money to do another round of IVF. I did offer my services to sit on a panel to try to get IVF paid for by OHIP. I offered to do anything possible to make the system fair for everyone. My RE was successful in getting the funding back for the patients who had two blocked tubes (it was taken away when the clinic went public), but as I hope we all agree it is not fair to fund some and not all of true ( true being infertile and not people who want to get pregnant on a schedule) infertility patients.

My hope and prayer is that before it is too late for my eggs and body that I will be able to have IVF again one day, that is of course if a miracle doesn't present itself. And if I cannot, then my hope is that others, who perhaps cannot afford IVF will have it available to them and have the same joy and laughter that fills my house each and every day. J is truly a gift that I cherish each and everyday. I am so thankful he is here with us, my only hope is that he will have the same joy of more siblings that I have.

And because one chapter may indeed be closing it doesn't mean that I am going to just stop doing anything to help my chances. On the advice of my RE and the encouragement of my friends, I am going for some acupuncture today. If nothing else, at least I am trying something new and opening up my horizons just a little more.


Blogger Silver Creek Mom said...

You go girl. I wish I had million of dollars to give you so you could try again and again if you wanted too. You are such a great MOM. And J is lucky to have you as his Mommy.

I know how it feels to walk out of their for the last time. It wasn't easy but I had accepted it and could wait to be out the doors. And I've never been back.

Hugs to you my friend.

8:40 AM  
Blogger nancy said...

Oh my friend...all I can say is hugs, lots and lots of hugs.

8:59 AM  
Blogger twinmomplusone said...

oh my dear dear beachmama, this whole infertility path s*cks, really, so unfair

good luck with the acupuncture ;)

my arms are reaching across cyberspace to give you one humongous hug

9:41 AM  
Blogger chichimama said...

Oh, I wish there was something I could do for you to help with the funding or the pain. Hugs. Think positive about the acupuncture, a close friend of mine is an acupuncturist, and swears it has helped many, many infertility patients...

3:12 PM  
Blogger Happy0303 said...

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It is good for you to try other methods since you never know what may work for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

6:27 PM  
Blogger kate5kiwis said...

h-u-g-e love to you girl.
i've had four miscarriages, and was devastated each time.
the acupuncture sounds good, all the best for you xx

6:22 AM  
Blogger DaniGirl said...


1:52 PM  
Blogger jo(e) said...

I'm just reading this now (I've been off on vacation)-- and I'm crying.

Hugs to you.

9:52 AM  
Anonymous Emily said...

I'm sending you a big big hug too. I dealt with infertility for five years and it was so tough. My heart goes out to you.

Have you, by chance, read the book "Inconceivable", by Julia Indichova? She took a holistic approach to getting pregnant, and while she went pretty far and I never had the energy or the interest to do everything she did, I found it helpful to put my energy into trying some of her healthy living approaches. At least it gave me something to do at a time when I felt so very helpless. (And if the idea of reading a book on the subject is the last thing you want to do, please ignore this entire paragraph.)

And thanks for posting on our site. I love that I've found yours now.

10:50 AM  
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