Addictions

Bethany, over at Mommy Writer Blog, sent out a challenge. Well sort of a challenge, a sharing of addicitons. I thought it would be fun this morning to see how many addicitons I have. This could be very bad for me to realize what I am truly addicted to!!

- Starbucks, Chai Latté, no-fat, extra hot! It is sad really. Now that it is so close to my home, I have no real reason to drive all over town to find my favorite Chai!
- Sundresses. I have been buying sundresses for many, many years. Currently, I have a couple that are from my skinny days, but I love, love, love my sundresses. Everywhere we go on vacation, I buy a sundress.
- My Laptop, It is a Dell Inspirion 2200. I take my Dell with me everywhere. I am afraid to try an iBook. I fear I would love it too much and then, my addiciton would triple. I know that one day, if I keep up with my photography fun, I may have to make the switch, but for now, it is me and my Dell.
- My Cellphone. That one is a Motorola. I have had the same cell phone number for 14 years. Not many people know it, and it doesn't ring often, but I do not go anywhere without my cellphone. I truly can't believe I used to drive accross the country all by myself without a cellphone, today, I don't even go for a walk without it just in case something happens and I need to reach someone.
- Stationary. I have had a love for stationary since I was a little girl. Even with email these days, I still love stationary. Something about the feel and smell of good paper. And to sit down and write a letter to someone is really cool. Remembering to buy stamps is what gets me all the time.
- The Beach. It is wrong that I still do not own property in Rehoboth. I am truly addicted though. I spend all year waiting in anticipation for my next visit. I wish I owned some real estate so on a whim, I could take a drive down and hang out on my favorite piece of sand. I would take any peice of the ocean though, so if I can't make it there, I must see the ocean somewhere else.
- Martha Stewart Living. I don't care what anyone else says about Martha, I love her to peices. I love her magazine, and I still buy it faithfully every month. I take her ideas and incorporate them into my life. She inspires me on a daily basis.
- Friends. I watch it all the time. I have seen every episode and if it ever goes off the air, I will have to buy the dvd's so I can keep watching.
- Blogging. ACK!! I am sooo addicted to blogging, it is a good thing I am a SAHM. I would most certainly have gotten in trouble for blogging at work.

There, you have it. I can't think of any other addictions at this time, but that is a pretty good start.

Finally the numbers are in!

Beta is more than doubling at 1383!! And progesterone is back up to 50. Hooray!

Now I don't get any more betas unless a problem comes up. I get to book myself an ultrasound for 6.5 weeks which is the end of next week, so now I wait for that, yikes. I don't know if I can wait that long ;).

Before 40!

A few years ago now, I wrote myself a list of things to do before I was fourty. Sadly, it was in an old daytimer at work and although it is probobly in the basement in a box, I don't feel like digging it out right at this moment. Instead I thought I would see if I could remember all ten things.

I am 35 going on 36 and I think I wrote it when I was 30 or 31, thinking I had lots of time.. heh heh.

10 Things - Before 40:
1. Have a Baby - DONE!! J was born August 2003.

2. Have a Million Dollars - not quite.

3. Go Surfing - DONE!! Surfed Ocean City, Maryland August 2002. Would have been going again in August, but had to cancel that. Pregancy and surfing do not go hand in hand.

4. Write a book - started, but not complete. Surprised that this is one of my ambitions? Don't be, I may not always write so stellar here because these are my thoughts, but I can write and graduated with a concentration in English from Ottawa U.

5. Get Published - writing a book and getting published are two entirely different things, I can accomplish one without ever getting the other done, but hopefully I will get both done in the next four years!

6. Do some modelling - people have asked me through the years why I don't model. I think it is my height and blonde hair that make people ask. It isn't for lack of trying. I have been to a few agencies, but so far no takers. I will admit that I didn't go full force with the portfolio, etc. If I had received enough interest that would have been my next step. I will also admit that I am not skinny enough, but I was always hoping to do some of the 'real life modelling' that some of the Canadian magazines are more on par with.

7. Get Back to England and France - We lived in England when I was 6/7 and travelled to France. I like to say for my seventh birthday, but in truth it was for the family, not just me. We were there a year and it wasn't the greatest year. For a long time I never wanted to go back, but after working with a guy from England he renewed my interest and I would love to go back now as an adult to see where we lived and to actually go up the Eiffel Tower. I figured we would be back again one day soon, so I did not climb the tower with my Dad and older sister, but sayed below with my Mom and Baby Sister. I do remember the Tower, the Arc du Triomphe, Le Palais deo Versailles and all the wonderful people that we met with my Dad's wonderful French and touque with a Canadian maple leaf on it. That touque alone got us into two hotels where kids weren't allowed. He still wears it every winter, with pride, although it is a bit ratty and has seen better days.

8. Own my own business - well technically I own two. But, I am closing one down as it has fulfilled its purpose and no longer works with being a SAHM. I am taking the other one a bit further. My goal is to have this second business set up entirely by the time my kids are in school. I am hoping to have a couple of extra years to build it up now ;). I currently have two clients and hope to add two more over the next year. To go full time at home my goal is to have ten clients. I want to be flexible enough that I can work from home and be here for the kids after school and if they are sick. I think I can do it, no scratch that, I know I can do it, I will just have a bit of extra time to figure things out, hopefully.

I can't remember the last two, but will scratch my head as to what they were....


I first wrote myself a list because a successful business person I know told me that to make things work out he always wrote down his goals. As well, Oprah once had a show with women who were millionaires, and most of them all wrote themselves a million dollar check and stashed it away in a drawer. Years later when they made their first million they pulled it out as a reminder of what their goal was. I had decided that I should write out a few goals so I had something to strive for before I hit 40. I was worried I would get there and not a heck of a lot to show for the last 40 years. I am happy with the things I have accomplished so far. I will work on the rest over the next 4 years and hopefully all will come to fruition.

p.s going for beat number 4 very soon!!!

Beta good, Progesterone needed

Today's beta came back at 448.6 which is more than doubling. However, the Progesterone came back at 40.

I will get to supplement with some Prometrium, that wonderful lovely suppository, but I'll do it! I will take 200mg three times a day, this is what I was taking during my experimental drug therapies that left me almost comatose. Since my body will be needing it, lets hope that I won't be comatose. I took that much when I was pregnant with J and I was able to function so let's see how it leaves us.

Today, I figured out that if I had a Grande Chai Lattée, non-fat, extra hot around 9am, the nausea really doesn't hit until 1pm!

Off I go to my favorite coffee shop, let's see if it works for the afternoon as well ;)

Beta number three pending.

As I am getting ready to go for beta number three to see if the nubers are indeed doubling or on track, I am sick with worry. I am not sure which is worse the instant nausea I have had since Friday morning or the nervous quiver in the bottom of my stomach.

Poor J doesn't know what hit his Mama. I went from walking and working out everyday to falling asleep while reading him a story, and it was midafternoon! I am taking that as a good sign that all things are still go as the tiredness comes from the progesterone and the nausea comes from the hcg. I will just have to figure out how to keep going in the afternoons when I now feel like a pile of dirt. Somehow I don't remember this for J but, I was at work and able to snack all day long and didn't have a toddler to entertain after work. I'll take it though!! And J will have to cope. He still asks me for a sister almost once a week, so if all things work out he will get a younger sibling, perhaps he will be the cool cousin and have an older and younger brother.

Will post the numbers as soon as I hear.

I AM PREGNANT!!

Hooray!

I am not sure who was more excited me or my RE's Admin?

So they truly thought that the sticks I had were faulty and that I had had a chemical pregnancy. But, with the numbers higher this morning, they believe that I am indeed pregnant.

The numbers are as follows:
Thursday - beta 0.1 progesterone 30
Monday - beta 175.1 progesterone 54.5

I will go back on Wednesday morning and Friday morning to see if the numbers are doubling and to ensure that the progesterone is still high and not dropping. Not out of the woods yet, but definately more positive than I was this morning, or yesterday or Friday for that matter.

The beta isn't as high as I would have liked, but since they figured Thursday was just way too early to test then, it is still very early.

Hooray for me! Keep the prayers coming ladies, I still need them.

And Kailani, I can cross my toes too, not so weird eh. I can also play the piano and pick lots of stuff up with them ;)

The wait is killing me...

... I am still waiting and today of all days my phone keeps ringing off the hook, just not the right phone call... will post as soon as I hear...

Heading out

Going for another beta. Here's hoping a number turns up. Nice and high.

Faulty first test is my prayer and awesome second test with follow ups doubling over the next week. I am more nervous than I was going for my beta after ivf! ACK!!

One Miracle Needed.

I am going to cut to the chase here. I pe'ed on a stick on Thursday and got two lines (one of which is barely visible to the naked eye, only frequent user would see it). YAY? Immediately I called my RE's office and headed over for a Beta test. Unfortunately the beta came back negative. Usually a pregnancy will show up in blood work prior to showing up on a dip. My RE assumed the sticks were faulty and cautioned me not to get too excited. Too late, I think.

Friday, I wake up and do it all over again. Only this time, my second line is twice as dark and I am feeling a bit more optomistic that a mistake with the sticks wasn't made. I call back the RE's office to let them know and to ask about the progesterone. My RE lets me know my progesterone is great and not to worry, but truly not to put any faith in this pregnancy because there is only about a 2% chance that it is not chemical. I should come in next week for some blood work to see if anything is showing up yet.

I cannot go around depressed about something that hasn't happened (meaning a miscarriage), but I feel like I can go around being positive in the hopes that the blood work was wrong (which is possible) and that my miracle can provide fruitful. I am looking for one more miracle to add to this one. I don't think it is too much to ask for.

Despite all that I have gone through, I do still believe in miracles and as long as my body holds onto this pregnancy, I believe additional miracles are possible. Any prayers would be greatly appreciated and will keep you all posted if numbers start rolling in.

Acupuncture Update

I have been going to acupuncture for a few weeks now. And since I don't know what is normal, I am starting to get a little tired of needles sticking in my legs and not being able to move.

I have read that there are not supposed to be any side effects and it is not supposed to be painful. I beg to differ on both sides. The first visit was so painful, I thought at one point my leg was going to fall off. I guess it doesn't help that I do not like needles and can feel each and every needle sticking in my leg for an entire half hour each and every visit. After the first visit I couldn't walk properly for a full day and after each other visit I feel a little off for a few hours after. And by off I mean scattered in a should I really be driving myself home kinda way.

At my last visit the last needle hit a nerve. Yep, a nerve. The needle was on the outside of my ankle just above the bone, but it send a nerve in the bottom of my foot crazy. It hurt when he put it in, then stopped, then it hurt when he took it out. It was ok for a day but then, I was kneeling yesterday and the pain in my foot was unbelievable. Right now the nerve is throbbing accross the bottom of my foot. And my foot is resting up on an ottoman. Is this good? Should I be worried that the once best acupuncturist is getting a bit old and perhaps not as sharp as he used to be?

Oh yes and the herbal tea. OH the herbal tea. Made me so sick I had to request herbal tablets. I tried so hard to drink the stuff, but just could not get it down at all. Oh what we are willing to go through. And honestly I am not sure he was treating me for the right things. At first he was treating me for miscarriage, then I explained again that Hubby should go too, so he changed it up a bit. Hubby only has to drink the tea, no needles for him, typical. Anyhow, not sure about this whole thing. And just hoping to get some feedback before continuing on.

And the swimming begins

Almost two years after J last loved swimming, he is back in the pool.

This past Saturday we went on a trip to my cousins, close to Montréal (Nancy, I say close, because if I had been closer I would have stopped for coffee, but alas, I did not make it close enough to your place). There were about 50 people, more of which were kids playing in the inground pool. J kept saying he wasn't going in, so Hubby sat on the edge splashing with him. I went in and pulled some of my younger second cousins around the pool. After about 20 minutes, J decided he was going to go swimming.

That was Saturday afternoon, he has barely been out of the pool since. Sunday we were in and out all day, to the point that I was exhausted. Monday after supper we spent an hour in the pool. And today we have been in and out. Hubby keeps saying be careful what you wish for, I am just thankful he wants to go in now! I don't mind playing out back and going swimming.

We have a suit with built in floatation device, I used that today when my girlfriend brought her little girl swimming. That way I knew if I had to grab the other baby, J would float while hanging onto my arm. His suit, which we call the "Superman Suit", is made by Ironman. It has a full chest and back built in floatation as well as a ring around the neck. Although I would never in a million years leave him alone, etc. it is good to know he can float in it, which he does very well.

Sorry if you don't hear from me everyday this summer, but we may be a little busy out back in the pool. Marguerita, por favor!!

Batteries and all that fun stuff...

How is it that a child gets to a certain age and knows which toys need batteries and which don't?

The batteries in the toy hand saw have been dead for months, and I mean months. All of a sudden this morning J comes to me and says, "Mommy, these batteries are dead, I need new ones". Now I am sitting here trying to think of something clever to blog about but, all I hear is a hand saw trying desparately to cut through the glass on the patio doors. Oh the pain in my head.

It seems the closer we get to J's third birthday the smarter and older he seems. Every day is filled with a new expression or interest. And I realize more and more that he is just getting older. That although I will call him my baby forever, he is not in fact a baby anymore.

As I cried in frustration yesterday, J came up to me and said, " Mommy, after I go potty, I will cuddle you and you will be ok." How is it that he just knows a cuddle and some cute words from him will be all I ever need? Then of course, I started crying more because he is just so cute and loving and growing up.

Can he stay a baby forever? Or at least a few more years?

Retro Day at Grandma's

Last Saturday, my youngest Sister threw a garage sale. And I say threw instead of had because like everything in her life it was more of a social gathering than a sale. She had people coming to hear stories of her travels and pick up an item of clothing bought in Europe or Stateside. Clothes were her biggest hit. She sold oodles of clothes for $0.50 a piece and almost all of it went. She sold old computers that Hubby and I put together for her during highschool and she sold one of our old monitors for $20!!! I couldn't believe it myself.

While we were helping her purge, sort and prepare she came accross an old box of outdoor stuff, inside were two gems. Two items that made my summers in the 1970's some of the best ones to date.

The good old traditional sprinkler. We spent many, many summer days, year after year running and playing and stepping on this sprinkler. And there it was in all it's glory waiting for J & J2 to have fun. I couldn't believe it still worked and sure enough my Dad had it stashed away while they would buy a new sprinkler every few years (because they just don't last like they used to) they could have been bringing out old glory.

Second, and these are the "piece de resistance", my first real pair of roller skates. I bought them second hand for $20 from a friend of my sisters. They are a size 8 so my feet are a little squished in there, so much so that I couldn't actually skate anywhere. Those were the first skates I wore to "Skateway". They have seen better days, but they are still in tact and it was wonderful to see them again. I did get my boot skates a few years later and they were a size 9. They are currently in my garage on the shelf, where I take them down once a year and go for a spin on the driveway before putting my rollerblades on. Because rollerskates just aren't cool anymore.

Closing a Chapter

Anytime I have and appointment at the fertility clinic I spend the whole day crying on and off. Yesterday was no different. Except for the fact that I was also saying good-bye.

I had my follow up appointment for my last failed treatment three months ago. And since I haven't won the lottery, nor have I inherited a large sum of money, it was probably my last visit. The new facilities are gorgeous, as I sat in the waiting room, I thought, "How unfair is this?" I had to sit in that horrible waiting room and now that I may finally never go back, it is so inviting I want to be there.

Basically, there is no rhyme or reason for any of my pregnancies or miscarriages last year. The reason my drug treatments didn't work is most likely the reason we couldn't get pregnant the first time. My RE (who apparently is really nice now) agreed with me that perhaps the drugs I took a year and a half ago for our frozen transfer fried my eggs so that the sperm were able to make the connection. But, because things weren't right my pregnancies were most likely chemical and therefore resulted in miscarriage. After my last miscarriage my body started shifting towards it's old self, last year things were slightly different so I always knew that something strange was going on.

So here we sit with no plan, no more frosties (although they are checking to make sure they are indeed gone) and not enough money to do another round of IVF. I did offer my services to sit on a panel to try to get IVF paid for by OHIP. I offered to do anything possible to make the system fair for everyone. My RE was successful in getting the funding back for the patients who had two blocked tubes (it was taken away when the clinic went public), but as I hope we all agree it is not fair to fund some and not all of true ( true being infertile and not people who want to get pregnant on a schedule) infertility patients.

My hope and prayer is that before it is too late for my eggs and body that I will be able to have IVF again one day, that is of course if a miracle doesn't present itself. And if I cannot, then my hope is that others, who perhaps cannot afford IVF will have it available to them and have the same joy and laughter that fills my house each and every day. J is truly a gift that I cherish each and everyday. I am so thankful he is here with us, my only hope is that he will have the same joy of more siblings that I have.

And because one chapter may indeed be closing it doesn't mean that I am going to just stop doing anything to help my chances. On the advice of my RE and the encouragement of my friends, I am going for some acupuncture today. If nothing else, at least I am trying something new and opening up my horizons just a little more.

Empty Nest already?

After allowing a Robin family to build their nest atop one of our pillars. We didn't have the heart to take it down. Within a few days we had eggs. Four to be exact. We kept the front window closed and did not use the front porch for almost a mont. All to allow the birds to grow and the parents to stay and feed them.




Once the babies were big enough and the parents realized that we were not going to harm them, we could sit out and they would not fly away.

Then the feathers started growing and the chirping got a little louder. We knew it wouldn't be long before they took flight.

Then it happened. First one flew away. Then the next morning the last three took flight. One by one they stood up on the edge of the nest and took the plunge. The last two guys, I just had to take a picture of. I hadn't wanted to earlier for fear of scaring the parents. The last guy stood there for quite a while, then jumped. Down onto the porch, with Dad close by. He stayed on the porch for a while, then all of a sudden he was gone.

The nest was empty. They didn't come back, not even once. J & J2, whom we would lift to see the birds, couldn't understand where they went. Now when we take walks J points out each Robin asking if it his baby bird. Although we are somewhat happy they have grown up and moved away, we are a little sad that our family didn't come back for a visit.

What's on your remote control?

Tagged by Kailani, over at the Pink Diary. In light of the new movie Click (how fitting as I just saw this on Saturday night and it was good), how would you use the buttons on your remote control?

Mute: Parents yelling at their kids in public places
Play: Vacation time at the beach
Delete: Past mistakes that haunt you
Pause: The day J was born
FF: really, really cold winter days when you can't leave the house
Slo Mo: J getting older
Skip: going to work

I have to say we were thrilled to have seen this movie. We were expecting the usual hilarity of Adam Sandler, none of us expected to cry just a little. It was awesome, and I ma so thankful we saw it at the theatre.

Bring it On!

With all the excitement this weekend, I just didn't have the time to post about my awesome package of candy!

Friday the postman brought my "Candyswap 2006" package. And boy was it sweet.




Andrea knew just what to pack to entice me to eat sweets. My faves, "Skittles", were there in all their glory as were some "Slowpokes" (Neilson's version of turtles...yummm), some "Lindor" chocolate, Pop Rocks, "Hot Tamales" and..

...some "Fear Factor" candy. Super Sweet Gummy Octopus in gummy sauce. I haven't cracked that one open yet, I am still afraid ;)

The Candyswap was lots of fun and I look forward to doing it again next year!

Thank you Andrea!!